I've been ... well, I was going to say reading but it's more looking at words through hands pressed tightly to the eyes actually ... the book made up entirely of the personal ads of the London Review of Books, They Call Me Naughty Lola.
It is clear I haven't lived.
Or rather, I have. And that maybe M, 34, WLTM F to 30 able scientifically to prove the validity of the ten-second rule concerning dropped food. Box no. 9713 might have some catching up to do.
Still, embedded now that I am at the London School of Economics where everyone seems fairly normal, I am worried at the number of lecturers there are in other universities who seem, er, desperate. It's the only word for it.
If his status ain't hood I ain't checking fo' him. Classics lecturer (F, 53) wishes she had Beyonce's stomach, bling and movement. Though not necessarily her appreciation of lyric poetry. I want a soldier, or else any sane man within M25, at box no. 9521.Now I know that soldier refers to Beyonce, hey I'm with it too, but look!!! I found Mr Right for her on the very next page!
Ladies: apply now for opportunity to make love with Roman gladiator (bankrupt publisher, 5'2", but every bit a man). Box no. 5890.
See classics - Roman, soldier - gladiator. Oh, this is exciting. I feel like shouting out 'he's behind you' loudly.
Although maybe she'd prefer one of her own kind. Those publishing types you know...
OMG! This magazine is the shizz. Seriously, dudes. Awesome! LOL! Classics lecturer (M, 48). Possibly out of his depth with today's youth. KTHX! Box no. 2680.
See!!! OMG!!! She's older than him, so he would feel in his depth. Even young, LOL!!! And they could both speak the same langua.... expect, oh, hang on a sec, they're the same person, aren't they?
And I bet you this is her too ...
Mini, 64, WLTM man whose first name is composed entirely of Roman numeral letters. You must also have a degree in advanced mathematics and be very well endowed. Box no. 2486.
And Mimi is also very possibly the person this woman DEFINITELY isn't looking for (although both sound equally demanding)...
Male LRB Readers. Drawing little faces on your thumbs, getting them to order meals, then shouting at them for not being able to pay is no way to win a woman. You know who you are. Men to 40 wiht working credit cards reply to ... F, 35. Box no. 1379.
Now there's a thing. I would LOVE to go out for dinner with someone who drew little faces on his or her thumbs and got them to order the meal. Almost as much as I loved the official warning in this book that the box numbers were no longer active, and therefore we shouldn't rush to reply to the ads.
Shucks. Spoil sports...
University lecturer in Russian literature (male, 57). Great legs. Box no. 1344